Updated: Oct 4
I believe the question 'Am I good enough?' has crossed most people's mind at some point in life and recently I was triggered by this issue so I thought I should share my thoughts with you. First, let's think about the word 'enough' for a moment. What is it? When is it enough? Is there a parameter to measure it? Are there criteria for it? Where is the line between enough and not enough? If you're going shopping but you have only 99 bucks when whatever you need to buy costs 100 bucks, obviously the money you have is not enough to make the purchase. In this case, it's pretty clear that within this context, you don't have enough money to buy whatever it is that you want to buy. In reverse, if that item costs 99 bucks and you have 100, then you have enough money to buy it. It is also easy to see where the threshold is here. This can apply to many other things and situations in life. But what if we are looking at something non-material? What if we are trying to give value to someone, especially ourselves, where is the line? When is it enough? And what does it mean to you and other people? Do you feel that you are enough?
You see, I might me gifted, trained and, maybe, even talented but I'm still a human being and I seem to have come back to the question 'Am I ever enough?' quite often in the past. Of course, I have my reasons, so does everyone who feels this way. Something 'taught' them to feel this way. Maybe they're in a relationship with a very demanding person, maybe they grew up in an environment where they weren't appreciated. I've been there, too. In fact, this was one of my deepest wounds for a very long time. I felt I was never enough and whatever I did, however hard I tried, it was never enough. How did I come to that conclusion? Here are some examples to the reason why I felt that way and I'm sure you can relate.
Both my parents are healers but they are also human parents, which means, somewhere
along the line, they could mess up or create issues for me like many normal parents do, regardless of how much they love me. Since my mother is also quite psychic, my father would listen to her more than to me. If mom sees it, it's true and that is the way it will be. I don't see, so I can't/shouldn't argue, even when I feel or I know I'm right and I'm sure about it, nobody really listens. And that made my mom the best healer in my father's eyes and I will never compare. I don't mind my parents or anyone being great and much better than me, but what hurts is when it means that my opinion and my abilities are ruled out by default because I'm not as good. "You mom can handle it, we don't need you to get involved" or "You just keep practicing on your own, you're not strong enough to handle it" or "But your mother saw it, it has to be so, you didn't see anything, did you?" or "You mom can both heal and see, you just keep practicing, maybe one day you'll be as good". These are the actual words I heard. This was not the only time I doubted my abilities, either.
I did my Bachelor's degree back in Thailand and then went to study in Russia, I studied linguistics, by the way. I did my Master's degree there and went on to continue with PhD. It turns out, not many countries recognize Russian degrees and qualifications. That hard truth hit me when I moved to Finland. I had to redo my teacher's qualification as well because Finland doesn't really recognize teacher's qualification from many places. I did want to make something out of my formal education so I tried to get a job in that field. You see, I never thought I could just be a healer and make it my career or mission. I thought it was just one of the weird things I do, so I tried to do things 'normal' people do. Since I'm not a Finn and not Russian, no matter how good my Russian was, I wasn't a native speaker so I wasn't good enough. I actually went to a job interview where the interviewer actually told me there's enough native Russians around without hiring someone like me. Excuse me, but just because someone is native to something doesn't mean that person knows how to teach. Have you tried teaching your mother tongue to a foreigner without any previous pedagogical knowledge? It can be very challenging! Apparently this point is lost, regardless of their strict qualification checking. Another time it was because my Finnish skills weren't good enough. Well, tough luck, you might say. Then I thought, well, screw this, I'd do what I want and let's see where it leads me. When I chose to be all that I am and help people with my healing
ability, I thought I was free from all those things concerning the 'right certificate' and fitting other people's criteria, and oh how wrong I was! I was asked for a certificate. This happened many years ago but I still remember it very well. Was the person joking? No, I wish she was. To be honest, growing up the way I did, I had no idea back then that there are schools training healers in the west, with certificates and all. So here we go again with having to prove that I'm good enough to do what I do!
It took me a while to come to the realization that I don't need to prove to anyone that I'm enough. Why should I? I do understand that you need to have some sort of skills in whatever line of work you're doing, you need to have the ability before you go on and offer service to people. I'm not talking about going about and demanding people to accept you the way you are and take you to the workplace where you have not the slightest clue on what you're supposed to do. That is a different story. I'm talking about when you know what you're doing, you have the skills and talents but always doubt yourself. Let me ask you something I've asked myself before. When you go to a spa or a restaurant, do you demand to see where the masseuse or chef graduated from? Or do you just see what kind of service or food they offer and try and see if you like it? I have asked myself these questions and my answer was 'no, I don't care where they studied. I see what they offer and I try.' And if these places can offer their services then so can I, and I know I can help many people. So I made the decision that I'm enough for this.
Of course, I needed to hear from other people, too, which I'm sure your closest friends would tell you the exact same thing mine do, they would tell you how great you are. So all that's left for you to do is to see it, believe it and make that decision that you really are enough! But
you need to do that yourself, no one else can do it for you. If you don't believe it, don't see it, don't make that firm, conscious decision, the universe will show you exactly that, that you are not enough, when the truth is you are. If you keep your belief that you are not enough and no matter what you do, it will never be enough, then you will attract people who will demand more of you and confirm that belief to you. Did you notice the word 'belief'? It's your belief, and THAT, you can change. As soon as you change your belief and make that decision that you're enough, you set in motion the mechanism that will attract more people who believe in you, who resonate with you. You will find your crowd. It's been quite a journey for me but I know I've come a long way. People who resonate with my healing find me and I don’t need to speak perfect Finnish with my clients, and not all of my clients are Finns. I don't need to show any certificates to my clients and I don't have to prove to anyone that what I am is enough. Of course, I still try to learn more, grow and improve myself and my skills, but I don’t need to prove to anyone that I am enough. I've found my crowd and you will find yours, if you haven't already.
One crucial point I'd also like to make is, just by seeing, feeling or thinking that you are enough, doesn't mean that you have to stop growing and learning. You can still grow and learn. It only means that instead of trying to push yourself and having to prove yourself endlessly and suffering from it, you develop yourself and your skills from a balanced place, so you do it with more joy, more peace, at your own pace. If someone keeps demanding things from you and make you feel less of yourself, maybe the problem is them and not you? If you are a wonderful person and your friends see it but a special someone or a family member makes you think that you're not good enough so you continue to have to prove to them, then maybe it's time to have a pause and really look at the whole situation objectively. Maybe it's just their opinion that doesn't match the reality. Maybe that particular person has their own issue and that's why no matter what you do, you can never fill their void because the void is inside them, they need to work on it. You can't fill their void for them, you can only do your part for yourself.
If you asked if I still doubt myself, I'd say 'sure!'. I still do, life happens and I get into different circumstances where I become unsure of what to do but most of the time, I know I'm good enough to do what I do, and to be what I am while still continuing to learn, grow and become the best possible me. Believe me, it gives such a great sense of freedom when you don't have to constantly prove to people that you are enough! It frees your mind and gives space for yourself to just be you!