My 'Spiritual' Journey
Updated: 4 days ago
Somehow, I feel like sharing some crazy stories with you. Some of you might already know that the 'spiritual awakening' isn't always pretty. In fact, it is hardly every pretty. You have to deal with stuff, you have to reach the darkest corners of your soul, you have to work with things you might even wish you didn't have in you. To be honest though, everyone goes through that, it's called 'life', you learn and grow from problems and then you learn to see more about yourself. Once you begin to understand more of yourself, you can work with your 'stuff' and then become more aware, more conscious. There are people who already do this on their own and there are also people who consciously choose to do the inner work by means of different spiritual practices. For the most part of my adult life, I've been in the latter group and here's the story of my journey.
If you have been following me for a while or if you know me rather well then you know that I come from an interesting lineage. I did inherit some abilities from my family. I suppose if you
have a few generations of healers in your lineage then some of the power might have been transferred to you. And that is my case, except, I didn't know what I had for a long time. So my parents wanted me (and my brother) to be normal and live a normal life so they never told us about the magical past of our family, in fact, my mother forbade my father to even mention it, but being raised in Thailand where many things are practiced openly and being me, I went to get tarot cards when I was 11, that was as 'normal' as I got. I'm sure a lot of you already know that, too. Mom was particularly against anything that had to do with magic and healing for a very long time and I think I understand the real reason behind all that. I'm not here to judge or discuss her choice. I'm only saying it took a long time before the whole secrets came out, and it came out with a bang!
Although I have been meditating for a long time but when I was still doing my studies, my focus wasn't on my spiritual growth and even when I had crazy dreams, half of the times I didn't connect the dots. You know how school life goes, assignments, exams and holidays are not for anything heavy (and inner work is heavy). So even with a couple years of seeing recurring dreams that I was dodging bullets in wars, I still didn't get it that it was about me being emotionally in a bad place. Like I said, exams were coming!
But when suddenly my father told me to try to heal someone, to prove that I have healing ability. I had no idea what to do and him being a typical (Buddhist) Thai, he philosophically said "you'll know what to do" when I asked him what I was supposed to do, more like how! That helped, dad, thanks a lot! So there I was, lost and confused, but I somehow managed to help someone and surprised myself. That's how I found out about my own healing ability. Then my head got bombarded with questions, questions like: "Why didn't they tell me?", "How come they denied me my rights to know what and who I am?", "What else can I do?", "What do other people (healers) do?", etc., etc. From then on, my world was flipped upside down. I had to find my answers, I needed to know, I wanted to understand myself, my abilities and how far I could go with them.
So I began to help people just to practice and to make sure it was real and I didn't imagine it the first time. Then I really began to enjoy it. I continued like that for some years, all the while searching for more understanding and looking for more knowledge. I was content with my abilities so I never bothered to take any energy healing courses like Reiki, prana or theta healing for a long time. I was more into the metaphysical side of things and I never masked it under spirituality. I knew I sought metaphysics. If you're wondering about my spirituality side, well, don't worry, we'll get to it in a bit. Back to the metaphysics, you see, with all my experiences and my background, I sought to understand the mechanism of energy and energy work. Most of the times, you come across teachers and courses that teach you how to do things but hardly any of them can explain to you the how and the why.
Luckily, I came across someone who could offer such knowledge and as part of the education I was also initiated into Reiki tradition. Although I didn't feel any shift in energy while I channel it during the session after I first got initiated, in fact, I was told I was already channeling Reiki frequency before I got initiated so I supposed I have had the same channel open all along, but I also received a lot of tools to use in my practice from this whole education, so these days I simply say I do Reiki. And luckily, Reiki goes where it needs to so it is foolproof and you can't really misuse it, it's not under your command, you are only a channel for it to come through. Which is great! I mean, personally, I don't want to worry if I'm causing harm, if I'm doing the right thing, using the right method, etc., Reiki is safe!
I was, and still am pretty happy with the people I learned Reiki with and I made good friends along the way. At the same time, I still continue to learn more about 'spiritual things', make more 'spiritual' friends. However, I have also seen enough in life to realize something terrifying. Not everyone wants what is 'best', they just want what they want no matter how much pain they end up causing themselves and other people along the way. And sadly, not every who is interested in the metaphysics are spiritual, some of them are only after the power but they don't want to grow or learn their lessons and do what they need to do.
There are also people who just want to be 'special' and they think harnessing this kind of power helps them become just that. This was when I saw how some powerful people got stuck. One of the things my father used to talk to me about was to keep my 'ego' in check. For many years he would tell me not to become arrogant. I used to get annoyed every time my father brought that up, I mean, seriously, did he think I would build a shrine for people to worship me? But I understood that he meant well. I have come to notice people who change because they suddenly think they are special. The people who seek only power or the feeling of being special can easily become arrogant. They think they are better than everyone else, they become snobs, a lot of them think they are invincible, and this is dangerous in many ways. Some start doing what they shouldn't, thinking they are above the universal laws, dabbing into the kind of magic that should be left alone. Some begin to (indirectly) demand worshipping. Some abuse the power because without understanding what they have, it's easy to misuse the tools, even when they think they are helping other people, they might end up hurting them more by trying to get what they 'want' at all cost and without realizing that what they want might be the opposite of what they need and what they want eventually hurts everyone involved. With or without powers, we all have our lessons to learn, life to live and things to do and so even when we think we are special, we all still are only humans.
So, I sought out to understand the mechanism of energy and energy work, I did and still do work on myself. My dear father wouldn't want me to become 'arrogant', he understands that power should come with responsibilities, and you should learn to grow as a soul. In fact, my old-school parents were pretty strict with my meditation routine for a few years after the secrets came out and I realized where I actually came from. Like I said, my father would keep my ego in check, while my mother, being religious, wouldn't want me to go to hell for practicing black magic. And when I said they were strict with my meditation routine, we're talking something people who have been to Thai Buddhist temples would be familiar with: "you sit with your 'stuff' for a certain amount of time and you do not move an inch!", for me the time was roughly an hour. There were times, though, when my father said that if something comes up, I should sit and work with it until it clears up before I even consider taking a break. Can't say I stuck to those instructions much and I had my breaks, I stopped, and I continued later and worked at my own pace. Still, it was rough and it wasn't fun, and we're not talking about the relaxation meditation type, oh no, it was the 'sit-with-yourself-in-silence-alone' type! Make it an hour if you can! As if that wasn't enough, my Muslim mom would also text me verses to pray with to make sure God is on my side (I was actually interested in the Muslim prayers for a while but that interest was short-lived, so don't ask me how that went). And with that hardcore training, things did come up and I think those were the years with most of the weird dreams and visions in my life! Let me give you an example of how my stuff came up in dreams. This particular dream is not very pretty, though, but it will definitely help you understand.
Before I tell you the dreams, I have to also say that I was going through some rough times during those years as well so this wasn't just about me trying to clean up my stuff or trying to 'ascend', it was everything together. So in this dream I was standing in front of a mirror, which means I was supposed to see my own reflection, right? Well, guess what? I saw the devil! I saw this hideous being with rotting skin, horns and all staring back at me and worse yet, I knew I was inside of it! Since I knew I was inside, I knew I had to come out of it so I began ripping and peeling off the devil skin, off of me. I kept ripping, pulling, peeling, stripping that thing off and it felt like a long time before "I" finally emerged and I could see most of myself. Believe me, this wasn't the only 'ugly' dream I had during those years.
I've had beautiful dreams, too, there was one with 'angels' welcoming me to a different
dimension after I ate the fruit from the tree of the forbidden knowledge (yup, I told you in another blog post, I have some crazy dreams!), there was another where I actually met the Medicine Buddha, I didn't know who he was at the time (Medicine Buddha practice is not big in Thailand and with my half-Buddhist-half-Muslim family, I can't say I know as much about Buddhism as I should). I only realized who he was much later. I also saw a dream that actually contained information about the soul plan for this life time (I mean, my whole life purpose!). I met a female deity with whom I have a strong connection in 2 dreams (only realized the 'goddesses' I saw in both dreams were the same person later). I've had quite some dreams, but I think by now you already got the point!
It wasn't just in dreams that I saw my 'progress' in my inner work, I saw a few things in meditation, too. Spiritual people (and the Thais) would call this a test, something you have to encounter when you embark on this spiritual path. At first I thought I saw things because I had just watched a movie or something, so what I saw never bothered me, ahh the gift of being
ignorant! I mean, who knows, I might have gotten scared if I had realized that I actually 'saw' something, because a lot of those things weren't very pretty. I mean, I saw corpses, zombies, snakes (and I don't like reptiles) here and there, just flashes of images, but since I thought it was my mind playing tricks or some horror films I saw caused that, I paid no attention. I supposed 'someone' had to up the game as those tricks didn't work, or maybe I was going on a different level, whatever that was, it accelerated and I had a whole new level of 'test'.
Before I tell you what that new level of test was, I have to explain something. I have a habit of meditating while lying down on my back, especially after a moment of meditating in a seated position. I know most people would tell you not to do that and just sit properly to meditate. But I started doing it this way because there was a long period of time when I had a terrible back pain which made it hard to sit for a very long time but I wanted to meditate, as in, being in one place, not moving any part of my body, and just be with my mind. So I could only sit for a while and then I would continue after laying down. It's true that your body would think that laying
down means deep rest (mostly likely sleep) so you can easily fall asleep in this position but you can train your body to know that you can relax (and meditate) without sleeping. It takes a while but it is doable. Later, I got hooked to this method because when I'm relaxed and in deep meditative state, I start nodding, drooping and I find it distracting but when I'm on my back, there's no way I'm bowing down, dropping my head and nodding, etc. And with the 'distraction' out of the way, I can go very deep, so deep that at time, I saw things in the astral plane.
OK, now that you understand how deep I could go with meditation, let me get back to the 'test'! So I was having flashes of images, which I didn't bother to pay attention. Later, when I went deep into meditation, I started hearing things as if there was someone else and I thought someone else was home, I got out of my meditation and it turned out there was no one. Well, I learned that lesson and next time it happened, I simply ignored it. I said to myself, even if people were really walking around, I would continue with my meditation. Then it wasn't just the sound that I heard. I saw legs, just legs, standing by the couch where I was meditating. I knew what I saw wasn't in this physical dimension but I promised myself not to get out of meditation so I continued to ignore whatever that was. Then it tried to sit on my legs. It wasn't a sleep paralysis, if that's what you're thinking (because many people who have experienced it would describe it as some weight was putting on them or someone was sitting on them, especially in Thailand, that's how we describe sleep paralysis, and I know sleep paralysis, yep, been there, too!).
That 'thing' or being, wouldn't leave me to my meditation, the battle ended when 'it' tried to poke my ear and it felt like someone lightly inserted a cotton bud into my ear, I'm sure you could imagine the tickle, and I am ticklish. I was really mad that I got that kind of distraction so I grabbed the hand of that thing (this happened on an astral plane), and shove the 'cotton bud' up its nose. It left but I was also pulled out of that deep state, so I was back in this dimension, I opened my eyes and was annoyed as hell. It sounds crazy, right? It was crazy, and sometimes I questioned my sanity, still do now and then. This wasn't the only incident, I had more, I had scarier ones, I had nicer ones, I had 'informative' ones where I received some insights, I had sleep paralysis (which was the scariest experience for me, I mean, I'd rather deal with other entities that to go through a sleep paralysis again), I managed to do astral projection (but didn't go far, I could only walk around the room). Those were some crazy years! And as a side note, I don't think I need psychedelics to see or experience weird stuff, I've had my share without it and I don't believe in the (long-term) use of substances, anyway, they contain chemicals, sooner or later they will have an impact on your physical body, let alone the psychological side effects they can have on you.
I think we're clear about me also doing spiritual work on myself besides looking for the metaphysical stuff. Although I don't go as deep in my meditation anymore due to the life
circumstances and I don't have 'crazy' experiences these days, I still continue to learn and try to grow, more at a normal human pace. I don't think that the journey can really end. I think as long as we are still alive and functioning, we can always learn something new. The question is, do we want to? I have been through some crazy times but that's my personal path. We all have our own paths to walk and yours might be totally different from mine. Maybe you're meant to have a smooth ride in this life. Maybe you are already growing as a soul without having to deal with anything metaphysical. My journey has been crazy and I'm sure it is far from ending, and you have the rights to question my sanity, I do that, too, from time to time. I still choose to want to grow, so I suppose this is the path I'm walking in this life, as crazy as it may be!
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